We will never be the same!

Enjoying the view from the porch.  Relaxin, Bird Watchin, and Killin time until our Couples Massage!

View from the porch balcony

Matt and I woke up with a spring in our step, a tune on our lips and sunshine in our hearts!  Why, you might ask!?  Today is the day of our "Couples Massage!"  Oh yeah, Baby!  We were totally psyched.  Although we were having a great time being together as a family - Let's face it - Going anywhere with four young children is not a vacation.  We've determined it's called "Family Time" and don't get us wrong - It's great but it's no vacation.  Referring to a vacation from here on out will specifically mean - Matt and Jen.  Matt and Jen ALONE=Vacation.  So after our first day on the plantation and loads of Family Time we determined it was time to squeeze in a little vacation time as well.  Thank God for Cladius!  He came on down to the tree house and watched a movie with the kids while Matt and I snuck off for our couples massage.  The two of us were as giddy as two school girls.  A couples massage.  How GREAT is that!?  

  Do we look excited or what!?

As we reached the steps of the spa two friendly and smiling faces came to the door to greet us.  A man and a woman.  They would be giving us our massages.  We were so glad they could fit us in as there were people scheduled before us and another couple scheduled directly after us.  As they ushered us into the building your nose was filled with smells of incense and flowers.  Then my eyes were drawn to the large accordion folded "wall" in the middle of the room.  "Oh."  I thought.  I had envisioned a side by side massage but "that's okay."  "No Biggie".  Just not what I was thinking.  Oh dear. Dear.  Dear.  Well, this would be the first of MANY  "this is not what I had envisioned moments." 

DISCLAIMER!! DISCLAIMER!!  DISCLAIMER!!!

This story is about to go to the Dark Side.  The events that you are about to read about shall be graphic, disturbing and at times not appropriate for young readers.  Read on at your own discretion; however, should you choose to keep reading, I assure you that you will enjoy a laugh at my expense!

Shall we continue!?  So,  Matt and his guy stay on one side of the partition and I am escorted onto the other side.  My lady told me to take off my clothes.  Wait.  Her English is a little broken but I've gotten pretty good at understanding their accent and I'm pretty sure I just understood her perfectly clearly.  Hmmm.  One more time.  Just to be sure I better have her repeat it b/c I don't want to start taking off all my clothes like some sort of floozy (IN FRONT OF HER, no less!) if this is not what I've really been instructed to do.  I figured I'll  take off my t-shirt first b/c even the most modest of massages you typically don't leave your top on.  I also figured that standing there in my bra isn't so bad - I mean, it's like wearing a bikini top, right?  Then I pause and she gives a general waggle of her finger in my general direction to mean, "The over the shoulder boulder holder too."  Oh great.  Now I'm uncomfortable and she's doing the finger waggle thing again but this time in the general direction of my "lower regions."  Cough.  Oh Gosh.  Okay.  Slip down the shorts.  Not so bad - I've still got on my underwear.  It's like your swimsuit, remember?  Oh good grief.  She's at it again.  The finger waggle and I'm left with no choice...off come my roonies and WA-BAM!!!  All of my earthy possessions are now hanging on a hook and I'm standing next to this stranger in my birthday suit!  "Wow!  Did it just get really cold in here!?  This is going GREAT!!! :0/  Now what!?!?!?"  No joke.  She brings over something that looks like a shoestring with about a four inch wide swatch of fabric attached to it.  "What in tar nation?!"  It's a LOIN CLOTH!!!  Oh, Great Scott!  We can cross "Wear Loin Cloth in Front of Complete Stranger" off the Bucket List.  I don't know which was more uncomfortable being neckid in front of her or having her tie this sorry excuse for "privacy" about my "Netherlands."  Once my shoestring was tied about my torso she then instructed me to climb up onto the table.  AWKWARD.  Do I really want her to be lending me a hand or do I want to get situated on my own?!  Of course, wanted, warranted or not...she lends a hand.  Now she's got me sitting on top of this table.  (I just want to lay down shut my eyes and go to my happy place) but apparently there is more to this massage than I realized.  She picks up a little terracotta pot with some oil in it and dips her fingers into it.  Then she cups her hands and begins to whisper some sort of prayer over the oil...over me perhaps?!  I wasn't sure if I should close my eyes and pray too so I decided I'd shut one eye and pray and leave the other one open so I could peek at what the heck was going on.  After her 30 seconds of supplication, she then took the oil that had been cupped in her hands and began to smear it onto the top of my head and then down to the tips of my tresses.  "Oh, ewww.  I do not like it Sam I am.  I do not like it in my hair.  I do not like it anywhere!"  Aw Shucks!  There was no turning back now.  I was lubed and oiled like a fine tuned machine.  After what seemed like YEARS she finally had me lay down on my back (which I thought was what I wanted to do.)  WRONG AGAIN, SISTER!  I don't think there was one single moment where I was actually relaxed during this entire process.  I figured at least once I laid down and shut my eyes I could just "go with it."  Nope.  She was rubbing oil up and down the entire length of my body.  Zipping at the speed of light.  Down to the toes then zwoop she'd go whizzing back up to my shoulders.  Up one side and down the other side and to the north and to the south and to the east and to the west.  Back and forth.  Fast.  Lightning Fast.  So much oil.  So slippery and in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Sweet Jesus if one of her bangle bracelets just so happens to hook one of my nips - It's gonna be Bye Bye Boobie!!!"  Stress.   Stress, with every swooping motion.  I was pretty sure at one point with all of this back and forth motion she was going to ZING me right of the table!  In fact, now that I think about it - I'm pretty sure I was holding onto the sides of that table with knuckles white!  Partly holding on in fear and trepidation that one of my teats was surely going to get tangled up in one of her wrist trinkets and if not that - I undoubtedly was going to be flung right off the table due to the excessive amounts of oil being used.

Then we went from the fast and ferocious frenzied stage onto a new "beat the tar out of ya" portion.  I'm not sure what it was but from what I could tell from my "one eye peeking" strategy - It was some sort of bundle of something?  Rice maybe?  Spices?  I don't know.  I started to think it was in fact some sort of spice packet because it looked like what I use when I'm making spiced cider.  That's when I started to wonder if she was truly tenderizing me and someone might like to eat me for dinner?  I mean all of that oil - I'd fry up to "finger lickin' good" status in NO TIME!  Maybe she had said a prayer of  blessing over the "food we are about to receive" and I determined right then and there that she started sprinkling anything over me it was probably salt and pepper and I was OUT OF THERE!  Anyhow, this bundle was piping hot and she would use this wad to wack the snot out of me.  Wap. Wap WAP and Thwap-a-Thwap Thwap.  Then she started to do the two handed meat tenderizing motion and I could hear the same noises drifting over the wall from Matt's side which made me start to smile at the thought of him enduring the same nonsense made me want to burst into laughter.  To which I started to think to myself, "Stop smiling or she's going to think you're really enjoying this!"  Let's just say she left no stone unturned.  Flipping me from front to back and back to front....it's a wonder I didn't slip right off that table and right onto her floor!  When it all finally came to an abrupt end I could hear water running coming from Matt's side of the room.  As it turns out, there was only one shower so it was safe to assume Matt had finished before me and was in the shower trying to rid himself of the Penzoil that had been smeared all over his chassis.  So I waited on my table in my greasy loin cloth feeling utterly undressed, unconcealed, exposed, helpless, au naturel - Waiting for my turn to wash off.  The water turned off and of course my gal reappeared to lend a helping hand so I didn't slip and fall en route to the bathroom.  She wiped off my slick and anointed feet with a towel and caringly held my hand as I paraded through the building bare-skinned to get to the bathroom.  Boobies flapping in the breeze.  No secrets here.  "Fantastic!!!  If they could see me now!"  Once we entered the shower room she untied my loin cloth and flung it into the corner and then instructed me to sit down on a stool wear she washed my hair and back with a gritty de-greasifying product.  For the first time I was grateful.  Grateful that she was there with me - I mean how is one to get all that gunk off their back!?  Ish.  It was absolutely disgusting.  When she was done exfoliating my back and scrubbing my scalp she sweetly folded her hands in front of her, bowed and ducked out the door.  I was left with my little cup of skin-scrub and I went to town trying to sluff all that shlop off.  I did the best I could.  Turned the water off.  Dressed.  Slipped out the side door where she was waiting - I tipped her and politely walked out the door with my tail tucked between my legs.  I had been stripped of all things decent.  I mean is nothing Holy anymore?!  I walked around the corner and found Matt.  Our eyes instantly locked like a dear in headlights - Without saying a word our expressions were sharing the same thoughts...."ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?  WHAT JUST HAPPENED"!?!?!?!  Once we were on the path to our villa and in the cover of the forest  then we spoke freely and laughed and laughed and laughed.  You can't make it up but I will tell you - We have since talked to other people that have experienced an Indian massage - It wasn't just us - It is what it is.  Apparently, this is how they do it.  Some folks LOVE it.  There are those like Matt and I who fall into the "Never again" category.  Not our cup o' tea but it was surely part of this wild adventure we are on and we will not soon forget our Day at the Masseuse.  Of course, the kids immediately wanted all of the gory details of our morning together - We spared them but then all day they were obsessed with giving massages to one another and in the evening while we were waiting to head up to supper they opened their own "Massage Shop" and kept busy by serving each other cookies and coffee that they had made with the in-room coffee pot. 

David using a little unconventional massage technique of his own.  Rachel is getting a "foot massage" from David.  Here he is doing the flutter kick on her back.  Not so sure Rachel is loving it!?





Once they tired of the massage parlor the girls put on a Bollywood Dancing show for us.  (Erica is taking Indian dance at school and was showing us some of the moves she is learning). 

My Bollywood Baby, Erica!

Rachel's Turn!

Combining their Dances in the Grand Finale.

Without a doubt, a day we will not soon forget and Matt's story is even CRAZIER than mine but I won't rob him of the opportunity to share it on his own terms! 

More from the B'Block later!

xo